asdfghjkl; words cannot describe how I feel right now...

Raindrops are falling on my head... lalalalalala. That song was on replay in my head today. Woke up to the sound of rainfall, took a long nap listening to the rainfall, studied to the sound of rainfall. Rain is so relaxing. It just makes me feel so warm and cozy in my bed. I just want to lay in it forever. SLEEP. I bitch a lot on how much I lack sleep. It's ridiculous. But these past few nights, I've have the most random dreams. Dreams scare the shit out of me. I get lost inside them. Sounds so fucking stupid, but when I wake up I get so damn confused. I guess I just get frightened. I'm tired af right now, but I know once I turn my macbaby(rip steve jobs) off I'll be wide awake. It sucks bawlls. So I'm going to curl up in a little ball, and read The Shack. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Thursday, October 06, 2011
Weekday

First Reading: Psalm: Gospel:

Malachi 3:13-20 Psalm 1:1-4, 6 Luke 11:5-13 Stop entertaining those vain fears. Remember it is not feeling which constitutes guilt but the consent to such feelings. Only the free will is capable of good or evil. But when the will sighs under the trial of the tempter and does not will what is presented to it, there is not only no fault but there is virtue. -- Saint Pio of Pietrelcina

Something to get my mind off Biology...

So a group of my friends were bored one night, and we decided to have a little vent session. We couldn't really think of anything, but complain about school. All of a sudden we started to ask each other questions along the lines of "If you could create your ideal man, how would you build him?" I couldn't give myself a blank canvas. He just popped into my mind. It's pretty crazy, to tell you the truth, it's kind of nice falling for someone. I haven't felt this way for a longass time. On the other side, it's pretty embarrassing. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Plus, I'm an old fashion type of girl. Meaning, I wouldn't make any first moves. Simply, because I'm a fucking pussy.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011
St. Faustina, Virgin (Optional Memorial) Mass Prayers - see copy

First Reading: Psalm: Gospel:

Jonah 4:1-11 Psalm 86:3-6, 9-10 Luke 11:1-4 If we have obtained the grace of God, none shall prevail against us, but we shall be stronger than all who oppose us. -- St John Chrysostom

I need to grow a backbone. I have the tendency to let people walk all over me. I'm outspoken. I put myself down. But when it comes to religion, I get a defensive. Lowkey defensive that is. It's something I really need to work on. I've noticed this about myself since I was younger, I thought by this day and age I'd outgrown this problem of mine. This sucks.

Anyways, today was a beautiful day. The sky was phenomenal, especially driving towards Citrus the sunset, and the fluffy clouds were definitely eyegasmic! I've been thinking that maybe I should start going to mass in the morning with my dad. It'd be a good way to start my days, plus I feel so useless when I wake up so late in the afternoon. I miss waking up early and accomplishing so many things before lunch. I also need to learn how to cook more dishes. I feel so un lady like now a days...

Random things before/during bio lab:

• Tripped over some mj container it was embarrassing.
• My teacher asked the class "What's 2+2?" & I mumbled "9, sike that's the wrong number!"
• One of my lab partners, kind of freaks me out.
• Bumped into a friend that I have mixed feelings about.

Random Rant.

I have spent countless of hours wasting precious time, doing nothing. Knowing too much of other peoples' business that's put out there on this cyber world, and I'm letting it take a toll on me. I need to focus, I need to find some sort of motivation to finish school. At this rate, I'm not going to transfer for another year. For the past year and a half, my heart was set to follow my dreams becoming a registered nurse. College life for me started off with heartbreak. Lacking motivation from the very start wasn't too great. But I finally kicked into gear, when I had 3 classes during a 6 week semester. I seriously had no life. Completely forgetting my very own birthday. And so once spring semester came, I had a serious case of "I don't give a fuck" & that kicked me straight up in the ass. It fckin hurt me. Took a long ass break during summer, while working at foreverfucking21. That job has been driving me insane. It gave me $$$, but it gave me this negative vibe when it comes to people. Started to think about my major, and how I want to change it so I wouldn't have to deal with people 24/7. So heck I'm going to change my major.

Anyways, I need to stop with this cyber whoring I dug myself into. No more spending countless of hours reading facebook status updates. Most of them are from people I barely talk to now a days anyways. Tumblr is worst for me. I find myself just scrolling, reblogging, and liking a post over and over and over again. HI MY NAME IS BERNADETTE, AND I HAVE A SOCIAL NETWORKING PROBLEM. I need help. Having someone to change my password for facebook, and tumblr won't do me any good. I need to fight this battle on my own. FUHH

Things to do:

1. FOCUS (don't get sidetracked by facebook/tumblr)
   
2. Study (every day for at least an hour)
   
3. Run (every morning, it's good for my body, mind, and soul)
   
4. Finalize bedroom (this is going to be hard, I have a problem... I have a hardass time letting things go.)
   
5. Reconnect with people, and not just saying "Hey, wassup?" over a text or a facebook message. But actually meet up and have a one-on-one conversation. Catching each other up with our chaotic lives.
   
6. Read up on the Gospel everyday and reflect on it.
7. Grow a backbone.